21 July 2009

Much to Remember

I keep looking at the blue clear sky and think that my friend is missing this. When we die does another day in the life of the living matter? Do we really want to return?

When someone dies, the living are left with all the questions and the suppose to-s.

We were supposed to have girl vacations together in Mexico. We were supposed to have a farm together so I could grow you fresh organic produce, take care of you and help you get better. We were supposed to get old together forever laughing about what ever in the hell we wanted to laugh about. We were supposed to travel together in search of the perfect beach. So many suppose to-s...

But the illness took that all away from us, didn't it? It robbed us of all our future plans and dreams. It took your laughter and your smile and your quirkiness that I appreciated so much.

I feel frayed, like the ends of the carpet that have come undone. I'm still here, though, and as I experience something new and wonderful I will forever be reminded of how much you would have loved it, too.

Every time I go to the beach or feel a nice clear humid-free day, I will be reminded of the joy you found in those things. When it rains too much, I'll be thinking how much you didn't like the cloudy humid weather, and I'll laugh just because I'm thinking of you.

So many things...

I'll always remember how much you loved the sun, your cats and walks in the woods. You were so giving and had a huge gigantic heart. You were an advocate for the underdog and had no tolerance for the unjust. You saw the importance of Earth and had a true appreciation for nature.

You let me know while you were still alive that everyday is a gift. At that point, you had seen death, and we all thought you were in the clear. We allowed ourselves to hope and dream and laugh and share and remember.

I cried when we last said our good-byes, not because I even fathomed that the illness would get you, but because I wished the distance between us wasn't so far away. I was SURE that we would see each other again.

Now, I'm not so sure of anything as my fabric frays and I allow myself to mourn the future we won't share together in this world.

Am I selfish to want you back? Which returns me to the question that when we die, do we wish for another day?

Of course, we will all know someday.

Good Bye Dear Friend

There's nothing like the news of death to ground you and stir the thoughts.

A good friend of mine lost her battle with breast cancer yesterday at 10:45 in the morning.

Of course the sadness I feel is for the living and the pain that we will no longer be able to share life with her, for she is not in pain anymore.

I wrote often with my friend in mind knowing that she lurked my blog and a secret way to keep her abreast of the activities of my life. It was a way to share thoughts and ideas without the entanglement of engaging in conversation for her illness kept her from discussion, but I know that she could still read when her health permitted. Neither she nor I are phone people and the physical distance between our homes would only allow for such contact if we wanted to verbalize anything to each other. I knew that I could talk with her through written word.

I feel incredible loss and sadness knowing now that she won't read these words and death had ended the special relationship we had through this blog.

Sometimes I would write special things that I knew would make her laugh or wonder. Many times I wrote just for her.

Oh, God, I'm going to miss her. And for the other people in her life, I know that they are feeling the same sense of loss. If I walk around as in a trance, what is her partner of 22 years feeling? What is his sense of loss? He nurtured her everyday since she found out about her breast cancer. He solely took care of her through the chemo and radiation. He stood by her day in and day out. I can't imagine how he must feel right now.

I'm feeling rather spent, quiet and tired. I don't know what else to say right now except, "I'm going to miss you Snorkel Girl."