There's nothing like the news of death to ground you and stir the thoughts.
A good friend of mine lost her battle with breast cancer yesterday at 10:45 in the morning.
Of course the sadness I feel is for the living and the pain that we will no longer be able to share life with her, for she is not in pain anymore.
I wrote often with my friend in mind knowing that she lurked my blog and a secret way to keep her abreast of the activities of my life. It was a way to share thoughts and ideas without the entanglement of engaging in conversation for her illness kept her from discussion, but I know that she could still read when her health permitted. Neither she nor I are phone people and the physical distance between our homes would only allow for such contact if we wanted to verbalize anything to each other. I knew that I could talk with her through written word.
I feel incredible loss and sadness knowing now that she won't read these words and death had ended the special relationship we had through this blog.
Sometimes I would write special things that I knew would make her laugh or wonder. Many times I wrote just for her.
Oh, God, I'm going to miss her. And for the other people in her life, I know that they are feeling the same sense of loss. If I walk around as in a trance, what is her partner of 22 years feeling? What is his sense of loss? He nurtured her everyday since she found out about her breast cancer. He solely took care of her through the chemo and radiation. He stood by her day in and day out. I can't imagine how he must feel right now.
I'm feeling rather spent, quiet and tired. I don't know what else to say right now except, "I'm going to miss you Snorkel Girl."
21 July 2009
17 July 2009
Dream: The Link Between the Worlds
I had a dream last night about a place that I have dreamed about before. I won't go into the long detailed mix of the dream, because that is not the important part.
The important part was that a very important and special place, a place that is a link between two different places. When I first visited this place years ago, the group in care of it was just starting out and things were very roughed. It was possible to ascend and descend between the worlds, but the route was tricky to maneuver. It also cost money.
The place in now under the care of a fine, soft and gentle woman who loves her place in the scheme of things. She was shown to me as a woman I know in Knoxville, Amanda, who embodies the elements of the Sacred Feminine.
The group, with her influence, has completed wondrous projects and improvements. Their are two routes now. One is a ramp that is steep and challenging, and the other is a hand built ladder that is strong and secure. The routes are open to anyone who seeks them. The place is supported by donations, but they never ask for money.
Despite my trials and tribulations to get my stuff from one place to the next, Chad and another female friend (as the dream fades in my waking mind so does this person, but in the dream she is someone who is prominent in my waking life) showed up to help me out with my struggles by carrying some luggage for me. I felt relief.
In the process, I got to chat with the woman like we were old friends and about the old days of the place. Both of us remembered, like two veterans, at how far the place had progressed compared to its rough beginnings. We spoke in a cheerful and friendly manner as we shared smiles and memories. The place is very comforting and secure with a nice clean creek winding through the natural landscape, which I was able to cool off in.
Is this a metaphor for the changes in me as I continue to strive to the next level or is does it represent something physical in this world? In either case, I believe this dream to be a positive representation of the healing happening all over the Earth.
The important part was that a very important and special place, a place that is a link between two different places. When I first visited this place years ago, the group in care of it was just starting out and things were very roughed. It was possible to ascend and descend between the worlds, but the route was tricky to maneuver. It also cost money.
The place in now under the care of a fine, soft and gentle woman who loves her place in the scheme of things. She was shown to me as a woman I know in Knoxville, Amanda, who embodies the elements of the Sacred Feminine.
The group, with her influence, has completed wondrous projects and improvements. Their are two routes now. One is a ramp that is steep and challenging, and the other is a hand built ladder that is strong and secure. The routes are open to anyone who seeks them. The place is supported by donations, but they never ask for money.
Despite my trials and tribulations to get my stuff from one place to the next, Chad and another female friend (as the dream fades in my waking mind so does this person, but in the dream she is someone who is prominent in my waking life) showed up to help me out with my struggles by carrying some luggage for me. I felt relief.
In the process, I got to chat with the woman like we were old friends and about the old days of the place. Both of us remembered, like two veterans, at how far the place had progressed compared to its rough beginnings. We spoke in a cheerful and friendly manner as we shared smiles and memories. The place is very comforting and secure with a nice clean creek winding through the natural landscape, which I was able to cool off in.
Is this a metaphor for the changes in me as I continue to strive to the next level or is does it represent something physical in this world? In either case, I believe this dream to be a positive representation of the healing happening all over the Earth.
16 July 2009
Camping on Everest
Yesterday I wrote about not reaching my personal summit, and this morning amongst squealing cousins and playing babies, I had a brief thought.
I had always considered Blue my Everest. I thought 9 months of pregnancy, labor, natural childbirth and 2 years 4 months 9 days of breastfeeding that I had conquered my personal Everest. I definitely came out the other side a changed woman.
The thought I had this morning rocked my world a little bit and trails back to the Intuitive Counselor I visit. She said in response to my feeling apprehension about the journey to Pine Ridge, "It's normal to feel a push and pull right before you give birth to yourself."
Hmm, birth to myself? If I felt growth by giving birth to Blue, what would giving birth to myself feel like? That's when I remembered that to summit Everest, there are many steps including base camp which is at 17,585 feet through camps 1 to 4 then the final and dangerous climb to the summit at 29,029.
It's possible that my own birth to this world may be viewed as base camp and many people may just hang at this level their entire lives never really striving or reaching beyond it. Content and comfortable. (And I'm not here to judge them. Sometimes I wish that same simplicity for myself, but the restlessness doesn't quite relinquish its hold...be careful what you wish for, right?)
Could adolescence be considered camp 1? or Schooling and my degrees? Marriage? Maybe, but if I have to ask that question, it probably is not. What are the DEFINITE milestones of my life that have truly transitioned me? Blue's birth.
So really, I may be sitting at camp 1 on Everest awaiting for the weather to change or to acclimate so I can venture to camp 2 taking little steps and each experience brings me closer and closer. Sometimes, though, it may be too extreme and I need to retreat to my tent for a spell or further training.
So, as I write, the chaos ensues around me. I hope the thoughts and introspection came out proper. This is rather raw...not polished...a brainstorm...free stream thought. I beg your empathy for feeling rushed, kids running around, questions being thrown at me, talking in the background, TV, the pressure to finish writing so we can go on a hike, having to pee and the craving for a smoke as to excuses for not fully developing these thoughts nor editing for mistakes.
That's okay. I'm not the first to create the analogy of Everest to personal experiences. Maybe, you yourself have done the same.
Whatever the case, thanks for reading.
I had always considered Blue my Everest. I thought 9 months of pregnancy, labor, natural childbirth and 2 years 4 months 9 days of breastfeeding that I had conquered my personal Everest. I definitely came out the other side a changed woman.
The thought I had this morning rocked my world a little bit and trails back to the Intuitive Counselor I visit. She said in response to my feeling apprehension about the journey to Pine Ridge, "It's normal to feel a push and pull right before you give birth to yourself."
Hmm, birth to myself? If I felt growth by giving birth to Blue, what would giving birth to myself feel like? That's when I remembered that to summit Everest, there are many steps including base camp which is at 17,585 feet through camps 1 to 4 then the final and dangerous climb to the summit at 29,029.
It's possible that my own birth to this world may be viewed as base camp and many people may just hang at this level their entire lives never really striving or reaching beyond it. Content and comfortable. (And I'm not here to judge them. Sometimes I wish that same simplicity for myself, but the restlessness doesn't quite relinquish its hold...be careful what you wish for, right?)
Could adolescence be considered camp 1? or Schooling and my degrees? Marriage? Maybe, but if I have to ask that question, it probably is not. What are the DEFINITE milestones of my life that have truly transitioned me? Blue's birth.
So really, I may be sitting at camp 1 on Everest awaiting for the weather to change or to acclimate so I can venture to camp 2 taking little steps and each experience brings me closer and closer. Sometimes, though, it may be too extreme and I need to retreat to my tent for a spell or further training.
So, as I write, the chaos ensues around me. I hope the thoughts and introspection came out proper. This is rather raw...not polished...a brainstorm...free stream thought. I beg your empathy for feeling rushed, kids running around, questions being thrown at me, talking in the background, TV, the pressure to finish writing so we can go on a hike, having to pee and the craving for a smoke as to excuses for not fully developing these thoughts nor editing for mistakes.
That's okay. I'm not the first to create the analogy of Everest to personal experiences. Maybe, you yourself have done the same.
Whatever the case, thanks for reading.
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